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Steak and Lobster

Monday, November 13, 2006

I had a conversation that went something like this.

Him: “I finally figured women out this weekend.”

Me: “Oh yeah?”

Him: “Yeah, steak and lobster.”

Me: “Steak and lobster?”

Him: “I was eating with some friends and we were having our separate conversation when I told one of them I needed date for the company’s Christmas steak and lobster dinner. Both girls got perked up, “Steak and lobster?”

Me: “Really?”

Him: “Yeah one said she’d go and the other said she’d go if the other wouldn’t. One of them already has a boyfriend.”

Me: “So steak and lobster?

Him: “Yep steak and lobster.

So there you have it, the mystery of woman unraveled over waffles.

It was a good weekend for gaming. First off I got to use a Wii and well I was unimpressed. The only game they had was Excitetruck and while it’s entirely possible there will be incredible games for the system eventually, it also seems like there will be a much larger portion of the Wii library that suffer from horrid controls. I’m not buying the system out of the gate until they can demonstrate to me that it’s more than just a gimmick. I’m not saying the Wii won’t be able to do it, hell the DS has managed to pull it off, I’m just saying I’m not going to pay $250 for the right to be a beta tester.

I also had a chance this weekend to see a PS3 up close an personal. There was a considerably longer line for that than for the Wii so I only watched, and let me tell you that thing is large. In the event someone breaks into your house your PS3 is just two leather straps away from being a shield you can use to fend off swords and bullets. The graphics sure were pretty, I’m just not sure they were $600 pretty, especially when compared to the $400 pretty of an Xbox 360. At the moment with games like Gears of War, the new Splinter Cell, Dead Rising, and Fight Night Round 3 the Xbox 260 is looking so much more tantalizing to me.

Monday is fast becoming my favorite night of television. Both Heroes and Studio 60 seem to get better ever week. Heroes is promising to answer a few questions next week and I really hope they do otherwise it could very quickly go the way of Lost. (Side note: Nora Zehetner the woman playing Eden also stared in the incredible movie “Brick” which also had Emilie de Ravin, better known as Clair on Lost. Talk about coincidence.) The dialog in this week’s Studio 60 was so great I became momentarily jealous of the writers for about 45 minutes. The only night with more shows of this quality is Thursday, and starting November 30th Scrubs returns and Tivo’s everywhere cry in agony.

This is my 5 second review of the Borat movie. While the movie was indeed funny, it was overrated. By no means is it the best movie ever, it’s not something I’d buy when it comes out on DVD, and I think that calling it genius is somehow misguided. Worth seeing once, but considering the quality of the film in most parts it is not the kind of movie you need to see on a giant screen, though the film benefits from seeing it with a crowd.

I think I might take the plunge into digital distribution sometime this week and buy the new Sam & Max. The “season pass” seems like the best option for the money if the games are any good. If they aren’t then it’s a bit waste of money.

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Tickets To The Gun Show

Monday, November 6, 2006

Much of my formidable youth has been spent at gun shows, in the company of burly men some with questionable motives. Gun shows have long been a source of great joy for me if only for the ability to associate with people that share the love for guns. Where else can you see all of the major firearms of WW2 side by side so that you can touch them. One lucky corrector had several Thompson Sub-Machine guns, 2 grease guns and 2 German MP-40 and I was in awe. The highlight was the time I actually saw a Volcanic about two years ago. It was a museum piece that had apparently been passed down through the family.

Even though I’m currently incapable of hitting most targets with a pistol (My skills with a rifle or shotgun are considerably better.) I day out on the range is still a damn fine day regardless of my ability to nail the ten ring. The history of the things have always fascinated me. I tell you all this because I want you to know that I have many fond memories of gun shows and just guns in general. In fact I don’t have a single bad memory involving a gun. Even that time I shot a man in Reno… just to watch him die was quite enjoyable. (If you don’t get that then shame on you. Go buy this album.) All of that was to change.

This Saturday past I attended one of the 7 gun shows that occur in Maryland on a regular basis. Apparently that’s all I get. After discovering Maryland rules and prices I’m not sure I’ll shed a tear over the situation just yet. Sure you can walk out of the place with any long gun you want. However it seems that to buy a handgun at a Maryland gun show you still need to observe the waiting period, which means the only reason to even go to the show is to inspect the gun in person. After that you have the option of getting it shipped to your closest FFL or to drive to the store of the guy you bought it from, both options are counter productive. In the great state of Pennsylvania walking into a gun show meant I was able to walk out with as many guns as I had money for whether they be of the pistol, rifle, or shotgun variety. Despite all of that I still managed to enjoy myself just by the very nature of the fact that I was surrounded by so many pieces of history.

In entertainment news, Battlestar Galactaca still kicks major ass. I absolutely cannot wait to see what is going to happen to Baltar on the Cylon ship. For the first time ever Studio 60 actually left the slightly claustrophobic feel of the studio for Nevada. If the laws as presented are true I apparently can never go to Nevada… ever. (More than speeding thing than the drug issue.)

Having seen The Prestige I can honestly say it was phenomenal. It was such a brilliantly crafted narrative that I spent the entire 2 hours forgetting I was in a movie theater. I generally classify movies as pure crap, worth seeing once, or worth buying. This movie will be added to my modest DVD collection the day it comes out. No waiting for bargain bin with this one. The thing is this movie would have been interesting had it been nothing but 2 hours of David Bowie as Tesla. Seriously the casting director should be given an Oscar for that one alone. The fact that you managed to get the Wolverine, Scarlett Johanson, two main players from Batman Begins? Jebus John Papisdera needs to get a raise cause holy shit, not only did he get famous actors he got famous actors that each fit their part perfectly. You know he’s doing a good job when I actually sit down to look up his name.

Finally I took 3 SUVs for a test drive this weekend. The verdict is that while the Mazda CX-7 had some flaws it is definitely a contender in my book. The Outback Baja was very blah, just unimpressive. Not bad mind you it just didn’t wow me. The Toyota FJ Cruiser was fun but overkill for what I wanted. If you are the serious off-road type of guy then you might want to look into it but for me it was too much. If the exterior looks was it it’d be The Nissian Murano, Mazda CX-7, Hyundai Sante Fe, and Toyota Rav4. The Nissian is way out of my price leaque so this weekend I think it’s time to hit the Hyundai and Toyoya dealerships. My brother also suggested I test drive a VW Passat which i’m not really interested in buying, but fuck it, might as well, what else do I have to do for fun in a state with near Nazi-like gun laws.

Crazy Billy is coming to visit tomorrow. There will be stories to tell, I’m just not sure I want to legally bind myself to them so this might be all anyone ever hears of it.

Oh and it’s boredom that leads to this randomly stumbling on stuff like this so it’s in everyone’s best interest that I remain occupied constantly.

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Wargames At The Opera

Monday, October 30, 2006

I was invited to a wargame this saturday and seeing as I’ve never been to a wargame before I decided what the hell should prove interesting. One thing became very apparent immediately upon entering the room, I was completely unprepared. There was a level of dedication involved that I was completely unable to muster at that hour of the morning. This was very much like Risk only for people that think Risk is mundane and want more of a challenge. As someone that is frequently befuddled by strategies of Monopoly more complexity isn’t really the sort of thing I needed. Still there was some entertainment with it all.

I’m suffering from writers block it seems because that’s all I’ve got to say.. So much to talk about and yet none of it seems to want to come out. I can’t help but wonder if any of what I say really matters. If the point is to help me write better than I’m not sure it’s really helping. Maybe I ought to close up shop. I’m beginning to debate the need or purpose of this whole thing. I desperately need to break out of this rut I’m in, I just don’t know how.

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Embrace the Awesome

Monday, October 23, 2006

This is a conversation that took place between myself and a fellow by the name of Andy this past Saturday.

Myself: “So my friend came home from Poland and he got me a scarf.”

Andy: “Dude that’s kind of lame.”

Myself: “No dude it’s not just any old scarf, it’s a scarf people wear to the World Cup to support the Polish team. It’s one of those scarfs you see soccer hooligans wear all the time.”

Andy: “Oh dude that’s fucking awesome. Where is it? Can I see it?”

Myself: “I didn’t bring it.

Andy: “Dude why not. I’d be wearing it fucking all the time.”

Me: “I didn’t want some drunk to spill beer on it.”

Andy: “Good call.”

Without further adieu I present the awesomest thing ever. (Note: I realize awesomest isn’t an actual word but it’s so very appropriate in this instance.)

Polska

The brilliance here is I’ve been looking for something to hang on my mostly bare walls. I just need to figure out a way to hang the scarf securely that won’t damage it or put a big hole in it or some such.

Thanks to the poking and prodding of a completely different friend named Chris I spent most of the weekend in an all girls college dorm. Even though it made for one hell of an entertaining weekend it wasn’t the kind of debauchery you’d expect from a situation such as that. The highlight of the evening was when the RA’s raided the place from both the front and back door carding everyone. When the punk that came in the front saw my ID he muttered, “Holy shit you’re 23? You’re good.” I didn’t know whether I should feel insulted that he thinks 23 is old or be complemented that he assumed I was younger than that. The very small part of me that is vain will accept the latter. Also apparently I have a future in constructing elaborate devices used in a baroque display of drinking and to a much lesser extent athletic prowess. It seems to me there are much easier ways of intoxicating yourself without all the froofra.

This past week’s episode of Battlestar Galacatca was quite possibly the best episode of any television show I’ve ever seen. No caveats, no “the best sci-fi” or “the best drama” just the best, period. They’ve been building to it since the final episode of last season and the payoff was brilliant. The battle sequences were incredible. You want to know the reason why they were incredible? Because each moment, no matter how bombastic it was carried some emotional resonance, which is something that most of these big budget blockbusters seem to forget. Every five minutes or so I just kept repeating the phrase “Oh that was awesome.” I seriously didn’t blink until the commercial breaks. I don’t know which one was more awesome, Galactaca falling from the sky launching fighters jumping out at the very last second or that the final act of the Pegasus was taking out two Basestars while everyone is abandoning ship.

My interest in Heroes continues to grow. I’ve found another connection to explain the awesome, Bryan Fuller. He’s responsible for two of my favorite shows ever Wonderfalls and Dead Like Me, both of which were canceled long before their time. Given the long arching story here’s hoping Heroes doesn’t end up the same way. (You should go out and buy both Wonderfalls and Dead Like Me because they are awesome.)

I have some very bad news to report for any of the 3 long time readers of my blog. My affair with the straight razor has ended. I would have liked to continue with the experiment for quite some time but after having a very tiny doctor stick me with needles on two separate occasions in order to drain the… lets call it fluid from two discrete abscesses that had formed as a result of ingrown hair on my face I decided it was time to call it quits at least for now.

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RSI & You

Monday, October 16, 2006

I’m unable to focus long enough to make one coherent post this week. I have a lot running through my head at the moment. What to talk about. The nature of depression and anti-depresants. Why Wilkes-Barre sucks and for that matter why my current area is somehow actually worse? The goal and purpose of college radio? I have no idea. So I’ll ramble a bit and then call it quits early.

The club CBGB’s has closed today. Some say for good but unless it’s torn down completely there is still the chance it can reopen someday. I actually went there for a show and let me tell you that place was a shit-hole. A very significant, well respected shit-hole but still a shit-hole. The bathroom was like a tiny little hobbit hole, assuming hobbit holes had the overwhelming stench of urine. I’m convinced all of the vinyl from all the band stickers were integral to the structural integrity of the entire place.

Heroes is getting more awesome by the week. I have no doubt that this has at least something to do with the involvement of Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale. I’m very curious to see where this is going to go.

The current project I’ve been working on at work has been giving me hand cramps and I’ve been playing my Nintendo DS a lot which doesn’t really help matters so I’m going to cut this shorter than normal due to potential RSI.

Is it sad that I’m thinking of going home to see a friend just so I’ll have something to write about?

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I Walk The Line

Monday, October 9, 2006

Friday was the season premier for Battlestar Galactica. It was 7 long ass months since the the last episode of season 2 aired. I could sit here and analyze what is great about the show, what is different, and all that crap but I’m not. All I’m going to say is that the show is freaking awesome. I thought some of the second season was a bit meandering and then they come out of no where and tossed up a curve ball. After 7 months it’s easy to see that they found a whole crap load of awesome. I can’t wait to see where it goes from here. It is quite easily one of the best shows ever made. What other show do you know that can tackle the subject of suicide bombing and make you sympathize with the bomber?

And now something completely different. Realizing that if I primarily spent the weekends over my brothers place and only leave my house on the weekends I am significantly reducing the chances of meeting any new human beings. After doing some rather extensive calculations it’s become apparent that if I don’t leave my apartment on the weekdays it’s only a matter of time before I’ll be 35, have three motorcycles, two cars, a very large house (with astroturf. I’ve decided I never want to cut the grass), and live in absolute solitude… I’m not entirely sure I’m doing a good job of convincing myself that this is actually a good idea now.

Anyway cue stupid Lost flashback sound because we’re going to time travel for a second. I turned 21 in March of 2004. I went to a bar on that very day as the tradition with my people. (We were a simple coal mining people.) In the few years that I’ve been making the bars my second home I’ve come to learn there is one inalienable fact. Chicks dig karaoke. Tuesdays was karaoke night at one of the watering holes centrally located between the 3 big colleges in the area and on Tuesdays if you got there before 9 there was a crowd. If you got there after 11 there was so many people there it felt like you were in a sauna even with the AC on.

After a week or so of complaining to some of my coworkers I finally managed to remove the monolithic edict that thou shall not go out on weekdays and I dragged some people out to the bar this Wednesday which is when we discovered that Wednesday is karaoke night for the only and only bar really worth a damn around here. I could hear the sounds of Beethoven’s Ode to Joy ringing through my skull. There would be people, they would number in the many. We ended up leaving a bit earlier than I would have liked but now we know, and knowing is half the battle. (I was more of a Thundercats fan myself actually.)

After talking to the DJ (who is also a coworker oddly enough) the day after it was discussed that the way to pick up a woman at karaoke night is to, get this, actually sing. I know who would have thought that. So now I have to think of a song to sing before Wednesday assuming I’m able to move the monolith two weeks in a row. The key is to find a song that is relatively popular and also a song that requires absolutely no singing talent what-so-ever so that a man of my many skills doesn’t make a complete ass of himself. Emphasis on complete, I think making an ass of yourself can be somewhat endearing, at least that’s what I’m banking on. It’s been suggested I do Cake, AC/DC, or Johnny Cash. (If I go for some Cash it’s either going to be “Folsom Prision Blues”, “I Walk The Line”, or “Ring of Fire.”)

I have this list of ideas for blog posts. Every time I’m sitting somewhere and the idea pops into my head I write it down and I’ve been keeping a running tally so that on weeks when I have nothing else to talk about I can pick a topic. Some of them are tiny things, the king of things that I’d like to bring up but don’t think I could ever fill a whole blog entry about. Most of the time, these things appear at the bottom of the post as a seemingly disjoint paragraph. This is one of those things.

I’d like to public state something for the record. This is something I’ve wanted to get off my chest for some time. Saved By The Bell was pure and utter filth. I have no idea why anyone thought it was the least bit funny or entertaining. The fact that Adult Swim a blog of cartoons and such meant for adults decided to air Saved By the Bell episodes was nearly enough to make me

This unusual trek of the show Nobody’s Watching is just utterly fascinating.

Also, you should watch the trailer to the film version of Frank Miller’s 300. Normally people say things like “The book was better.” and often times it’s true but as someone that has read the book this is one of this instances where there are so very many ways that the movie can improve on it. (Which is my way of saying I found the book to be somewhat lacking.)


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True Tales of The Computer Scientist!

Monday, October 2, 2006

Its hard to have anything to talk about when you spend your week doing absolutely nothing. The highlight was when I almost did something on Thursday but we ended up staying in again because we couldn’t find a wheel man and it was raining.

Is this the sorry state of affairs that is real world? In grade school everyone would tell me “Wait until you get to high school.” When I was in high school everyone would tell me “Wait until you get to college.” In college everyone would tell me “Wait until you get to the real world.” Each time implying things would be more difficult, more complex or more complicated.

It’s been a year since I entered the real world and thus far it’s become increasingly apparent to me that the proverbial everyone was a liar. Everything seems to be easier. For one in college in addition to all the time spent in class you had the homework the optional but largely required part time job and yet you still had to make the time to socialize if you wanted to feel even the least little bit normal which was incredibly difficult because you had all the built up emotional trauma of high school running through your head. (In some ways I feel as though that at least part of the point of college it to act as a decompression chamber to help work through the inadequacies raised in high school.) When you total it up there was very little time to do anything of your own and even if you had the time I probably couldn’t afford anything other than the occasional expedition to the darkly lit tropical island Bar population drunk.

Being in the real world and being single means I an average of 40 hours a week (excluding those rather rare weeks where I’m required to say late for a project or some such.) and that I have the financial means to do just about anything I want. (Hence the motorcycle.) The sad part is that most days I come home and have nothing to do so I watch television and wish I had something else to do. I actually have considerably more free time now then I ever did previously I just have no idea what to do with it. Is this the dangerous responsibility of the “real world?” Having the freedom to do anything, yet because you lack the decisiveness or the motivation to do anything you spend most weeknights going insane thinking about how you wish you could be doing something else?

I often wonder if the area I live in is at least somewhat to blame. I imagine it’s easier to find something to do on a Tuesday in a larger town where going to see a movie on a wrinkle-free screen doesn’t require an hour drive but I could be wrong. At the very least I could troll the museums trying to sound astute with a sufficiently loud volume so that any random tour group stragglers will linger long enough to make me feel good about having left the house on that particular evening.

Sure I suppose the whole getting married and having kids throws a wrench into the equation but correct me if I’m wrong but I always assumed I needed significant other to be in a relationship and a member of the opposite sex to have a child (barring adoption) neither of which I am capable of finding at work for more than a few reasons which means unless I find a way to break out of my rut I’m in no immediate danger of having any monkey wrenches added to my life anytime soon.

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On Friday Defcon was released to the public, both as a direct download and a boxed version. If I understand their methods purchasing the boxed version still allows you instant gratification via the download. The demo is also available which I highly recommend. The game itself is deceptively complex; don’t let the simple facade fool you there is a considerable amount of strategy involved. It some ways it’s like chess, easy to learn but it will take years to master. It’s easy to see how even an experienced player could be pwned at the hands of a noob with only one slight miscalculation.

Oh and the hunt for the holy grail of keyboards continues. I’m considering the Saitek Eclipse II because despite being the hideous bubble keyboard the original was quite comfortable but even with my renewed determination to remove water from the desk I’m still hesitant considering what happened to it’s predecessor. I’d ask for suggestions but I’m under the assumption no one reads this which is probably a good thing for all involved.


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Feastphrodisiac

Monday, September 25, 2006

More than a year ago I watched the third and supposedly final season of Project Greenlight. At the time I remember being less enamored by the drama of the reality show as it was presented on screen so much as I was intrigued by the process of making the movie. This Friday I finally got to see Feast the product of all that work.

While my friend thought it was lame, (It should be noted he fucking hates everything. I’ve yet to discover if he genuinely hates everything or if he’s merely fond of the very act of complaining and derives some perverse joy from pointing out the flaws inherent in everything.) I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. It’s a rather good survivor horror monster flick. It benefits from a wonderful sense of humor; it never takes itself too seriously, even going so far as to tell you the life expectancy of all of the characters up front. (The little character intros were by far the best I’ve seen since the movie Snatch.) If this movie had taken itself too seriously it could have failed miserably. As far as horror movies go it’s not quiet as good as the Evil Dead movies but it has a similar laughs to gore ratio so I think it’s fair to say that if you like those movies and you should enjoy this one.

Plus you have to give any movie props for having both Jason Mewes and Henry Rollins in it. (Whoever cast Henry Rollins as a motivational speaker should be given a raise.) According to an article in Entertainment Weekly it’s supposed to come out on DVD on October 12th which seems rather quick but it’s all part of some genius marketing plan which I’m all for because it means I get to buy the DVD in two weeks, which makes some sense, sell the movie to the cult fans a few weeks after they see it in theater while it’s still fresh in their head. Well it worked on me because I’ll be there on DVD Tuesday to pony up the cash for that sucker.

After my long and boring discussion last week about the new television shows I’m interested in watching (If you had any idea how much I want to see the Gilmore Girls premier tomorrow you’d probably stop reading this blog.) I started to think about all the shows I loved that were canceled and how most of them have DVD sets. There’s your Firefly, Wonderfalls, Dead Like Me, Undeclared and whatnot sitting in my DVD bin but there’s two shows that are missing. Titus and Andy Richter Controls the Universe. After doing a bit of research I discovered that Titus in fact is out on DVD which means the next time my mother wants something to buy me for Christmas I have something to tell her about.

That still leaves Andy Richter Controls the Universe though. Seriously Fox. What the fuck is up with that. I can’t be the only one that thinks that the show was awesome. How can you go wrong with a plot lines that revolve around getting a second television so while he’s watching tv in bed he can turn to his side and still be watching tv. All I have to say is puppy lined jacket. Seriously would a bad person encase themselves in puppies like that.

I just got my shipment of comics in today and read Wolverine #45 and #46. I’m consistently impressed with the writing prowess of this Marc Guggenheim guy. It’s easily the best run on Wolverine in about 100 issues. The thing about Wolverine is he’s not a really complex character to understand, but he is a hard character to write well apparently. Far too many people think “Wolverine is cool therefore any story he is in is also cool so they don’t stop to think about whether their story is actually any good.” Guggenheim seems to understand that so instead of just Wolverine = cool he’s decided to expand the equation so that it reads Wolverine + Ironman underwater suit + Namor in a bar = totally fucking awesome.

As a minor footnote I for the life of me cannot tell if my dental hygienist was flirting with me or not. I’m incapable of discerning the difference between just being friendly and “I’m interested in you so ask me out.” If there was a time or a place where I was supposed to have picked up these social skills I obviously got lost and ended up in the wrong room… actually it’s more likely I was on the completely opposite side of campus. What I do know is that it seems owning a Harley-Davidson is a bit of an aphrodisiac… or so I’ve been told.

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Blueberry Filler

Monday, September 18, 2006

It’s a good time to be a television fan. Most of the new television shows start this week. Family Guy, American Dad, and Simpons all had their premiers last week. As good as they were I was actually more surprised about the show Three Moons Over Milford. I’m almost ashamed to say I like this show but these last two sundays when Simpsons came on I was jonesing for Milford. If it wasn’t for American Dad I’d have switched in a heart beat. A show on ABC family of all places has no business being that good. I’m not saying it’s the greatest show ever just that it’s significantly more entertaining than I ever expected.

Mondays I’m going to be very interested to see what NBC is doing with the shows Heroes and Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. I think Mathew Perry made the right decision to go with a dramatic role instead of another sitcom. Having just watched the pilot I have to say that I’m intrigued by it. It manages to blur the lines between reality and fiction the same way Entourage does. The only difference is Entourage is more entertaining. It’s clear that Mathew Perry is to Studio 60 as Jeremy Piven is to Entourage. Heroes could be a total tease that leads to no where ala Lost so I’m slightly more cautious of that show.

Next Tuesday is the premier of Gilmore Girls. I seriously can’t wait for that. I know it’s all girly but I started watching it 6 years ago when I was 17 and all impressionable and now I can’t stop. Plus I’d be liar if I told you that the season ending cliffhanger didn’t kill me a little inside. I have to know what the hell happened dammnit. Tuesdays is also the home of the single most fucked up show in all of television, Nip/Tuck and you all know you love every last damn second of it. This is the only show I know of where the biological father can bang the same post-op transexual that his son has been dating and have the audience going, “Oh well that makes sense.”

Thursday is the day that’s going to piss off my PVR for sure. You have Smallville, Supernatural, The Office, My Name is Earl, Greys Anatomy, and this new show called Ugly Betty that people have said is the show to watch so I suppose I have to attempt to give it a try. The worst part of that is that I’ll miss them all which is going to make a very busy sunday when I return.

I know you are thinking I skipped Wednesday but the truth is there isn’t a single show worth watching on Wednesday until Lost starts and I’m not even entire sure I’m really into that show anymore. This just makes the clutter of Thursdays all the more tragic. It’s like they knew exactly what I wanted to watch and then crammed it all in the same 2 hours.

The holy grail of all shows Battlestar Galactica doesn’t start until Friday October 6th though. If you aren’t the least bit excited about this show then I have no idea how to relate to you. In the meantime the mighty lords of Cobol have given us these webcasts to hold us over. So say we all.

I have no idea why I just told you all what I’m going to be watching for the next year. It’s kind of sad that I have nothing else to do. Truth is I only had like two paragraphs of stuff to talk about and I needed filler. At least now if I don’t answer the phone you know why.

I found this post on Kotaku today that had a video about Male Restroom Etiquette and this is pretty much everything I wanted to say in my post from June 5th only better, and funnier. I have to say this seems like the kind of thing we’ve all seen before, but give it time because about half way through it gets really really good. Though they don’t discuss the trough urinal.


I picked up the beast Saturday and I already have over 100 miles on it. I went from never having driven on the road to driving the thing 75 miles home from the dealership. I’d like to make some observations. Roadkill sucks when you see it in a car, but when you’re in a motorcycle it’s easier to avoid. However it also means you have to smell it. Equalivalent exchange I suppose. As comfortable as the seat is for short distances it becomes somewhat uncomfortable on longer trips. Good news is your ass is numb. Bad news is it becomes readily apparent why cowboys walk the way they do.
After riding the 1200cc around town for a while I can’t imagine riding the 883cc, it just seems like there wouldn’t be enough power. While the 1200 is not a Hayabusa it has ample power to outrun any assholes tailgating you. Riding is incredibly fun, and it’d be even more fun if there wasn’t anyone else on the road. As it is my biggest concern isn’t my ability to handle the thing so much as it is the ability of others to not be assholes. This is why I think I might try riding late at night sometime. I’ll let you know how that goes.


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Give ‘em Hell Polecat

Monday, September 11, 2006

When I’m on the road, I’m indestructible. No one can stop me.

I can’t remember exactly how old I was exactly at the time, I’d estimate around 10 or so but I have a distinct memory of sitting inside of the Dunkin’ Donuts near the Gateway Shopping center in Edwardsville Pennsylvania surrounded by dozens of gruff looking bikers. They were a motorcycle club (note: “club” not “gang”) consisting of Vietnam Veterans that would always meet at the various Donut shops in the area before they rode. My uncle was a member and this particular morning for some reason my father came along with him to the place and brought me for whatever reason. I remember being surrounded by these men that by the looks of them you wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley and yet I didn’t feel a bit afraid because despite their numerous tattoos, long hair, even longer beards, and their worn leathers they were all friendly. Hell one even bought me a donut. It wasn’t the first and it wouldn’t be the last but it made a lasting impression.

A year or two later while still in elementary school I wanted to be a biker for Halloween. I thought there was nothing cooler in the world than riding a bike. My father gave me boots, a helmet, his leather jacket (which was far too large for me) and these giant mirrored sunglasses that would have made Cool Hand Luke jealous. The crowning glory of the day was when my father drove me around the school on a bike before he dropped me off. Sure no one really saw me riding on it but I knew and more importantly it gave me a taste and I wanted more.

The age of 16 is a milestone in the life of most boys everywhere. It’s the year you get a drivers license and all the responsibility and freedom that come along with the symbol of male virility. I remember most kids in my school being obsessed with it and I was, but to me it was a stepping stone to my motorcycle license. However I needed a parent to sign off on the license form and there was always excuses given like “You can’t drive a stick, so I can’t teach you to drive a bike. If only we had a stick-shift car.” There wasn’t anything I could do about it so I had to patiently wait until I was 18.

At 18 I signed up for a free motorcycle safety training class offered by the State of Pennsylvania. A brilliant thing all I had to do was show up and they gave me a bike to go motor around on. I remember being nervous for the entire week before the class started. I also remember that on day one the instructor walked over to me and asked if I’d ever ridden before because I looked like I had experience.

For the next 4 years all through college I would fantasize about getting a motorcycle. Either by the good graces of whoever giving it to me or somehow saving enough money to buy one. But as I’m sure everyone who has ever been to college is aware money is always scarce when a text book cost $100 and you need 5 of them a semester. Again I patiently awaited the time when I would graduate and I’d be able to afford buying one all on my own.

Things came up, I got distracted by things but about three weeks ago I was in a Harley shop in Wilkes-Barre while on one of my many short trips back home and I saw a sign for the most recent Harley promotion of $125 a month for a 1200cc Sportster. I started to realize I’d been living out on my own for a year and still didn’t have the motorcycle that I promised I’d buy myself. I then remembered that the Harley shop in Annapolis MD will let you test ride a bike as long as you have a license and it’s not raining. I decided I should at least test the bike out to see if I could handle it or if I was way out of my league. I stopped up that last week and talked to some guys about it and made an appointment to come back on Friday the 8th.

So when Friday came I drove up to Annapolis with my brother in tow and helmet on the seat.

What kind of bike did you have before?

Never owned, always borrowed.

What kind?

A little 250cc Honda or Kawasaki something or other.

I expected him to tell me to be careful or to tell me to leave or something like that, but what did he say instead?

Well this thing has a lot more power. Take it on the highway, you’ll love it.

It took be all of 5 seconds to remember 5 years of lapsed skill. (I’d like to thank my instructor Bob, he did a damn good job 5 years ago.) It was intoxicating in every way I remembered. I knew why I had wanted one for so long. For me it was a religious experience. Nearly 13 years praying at the altar of the V-Twin has come to this. To quote the Harley ad campaign, “Go forth and spread the word of torque.” About 15 minutes and 3 miles later there was a smile on my face so large I was afraid I’d get sued for copyright infringement.

I parked the beast in front of the dealership and told everyone in the store that I wanted one and I wanted it as soon as I could possibly have it. A few minutes later they were running a credit check and I was signing papers. Hell I’d have given them blood if they’d have asked for it. I’m expecting my bike (which ought to look something like this.) to arrive in the shop today which means I could be riding it as home as early as this weekend.

Once I signed the paper the entire store took on a different atmosphere. I wasn’t a customer I was almost family. They told me about all the bike rallies they were having over the coming months and that I was welcome to come to any and all. As I was leaving one of them told me, “When you get good on that thing come back here, I’ll show you how to do burn-outs and donuts. I’m the guy you’re mother warned you about.” It took me 13 years but I’ve finally come full circle. (There’s a pun there. No really there is.)

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